Almost there

It is warming up again, the next few days will be quite messy and I am not looking forward to it. But, I am looking forward finally washing that ultra-warm sweater from Hana. I don't feel ready for Christmas yet, but one last trip to Cheyenne will hopefully cure me from that.

Last night I baked coconut bars and managed to ice them as well, not mentioning mixing a half gallon of Bloody Mary for the Christmas party I ended up going. All thanks to my dear friend being notoriously late... which this time did not bother me for obvious reasons. I was creative and productive. So was Keith, his candied orange peels are delicious.
This morning I have just finished the bars with chocolate and prepared icing for gingerbreads. Not being very skillful, my Christmas butts are not the most impressive ones, but... they are here.



I am looking forward going home and at the same time feel like missing something, not exactly sure what. I guess I'd like to have Christmas here in my own home. It would have been even nicer if it was with a special guy, it is my fantasy and I believe it will happen. I would also like all my family to come over once... maybe we'll win lottery one day :)
Oh, Wait, wait, don't tell me is on...

OC

"The" season is really here, isn't it? It's past St. Nicholas, no devil took any of my nephews away, back at in the semi-pagan Czech lands... I did manage to buy some Christmas gifts, although I was even prepared to go home empty handed... and while spending money I've discovered the candy of my youth in Target! Yey! I finished the whole bag in one afternoon somewhere between Bed Bath and Beyond and Michael's and was absolutely not ready to face the crowds in the mall. Partly from feeling uneasy after eating so much sugar. It was dreadful and i managed to sneak through only three more stores, not buying anything at all. Later that weekend I decided to try to make gingerbread cookies, the second time in my life. They smell nice and can be really good. They are one type of cookies my mom never made and so I am kind of pioneering the road. SO far no accidents and will ice them later in the week. Keith's tree is already decorated, sitting in the living room, mine is semi-decorated too
Half of my mind is already at home and I am thinking about being with my folks and my sis... It will be the first time we'd have the Christmas dinner in other place than my parents' and I am looking forward to it. It does not mean we won't have to make the potato salad and bring it with us, which will be fun.
I remember having Christmas with Luis, once in Bethesda, one year in Laramie, once he came with me home, to Unicov (it was really brave of him). It was really nice to see someone from the other hemisphere observing how central-European keep these small traditions of cookies and the tree and carp for dinner... and I did enjoy tremendously preparing the Christmas eve for him, when I did.
I guess I do enjoy these things and in a way it is my expression of care and affection, I guess like my mom's. So when I go home, I have to let her pamper me, as long as she can. This year again I'll be a guest at home again :)

pushing my luck

I have made a sourdough rye bread this past week, it ended delicious and just a bit too white, since I followed the book recipe to the point (except the wait times). So yesterday I started a new starter and grew it up and will repeat, but of course, with minor modifications like some whole wheat flour etc. The first stage is documented already... I am going to knead it and shape it and to complete my luck cycle, leave ti alone the whole rest of the day! Christmas shopping is awaiting! And, I may try to see the little rascal rat-baby Chompers.
If I am in the mood, I may try to make some gingerbread later after I come back as well... what do you say?

one to Mitch

Last year, about this time I was seeing a guy who had many qualities I liked, some I didn't, and who showed me a different view on the everyday world. He had a house slightly larger than mine and I have instantly loved that place. It was decorated really nicely and there was a fireplace. I did not know at that time how long I'll stay here, if at all. My work was not fulfilling me too much, but there was something that kept me here. A few months later I knew I had to settle. There was no relationship and there was no more joy at work, but got a house with a fireplace. I knew how long the winters here seem and how they can get under your skin. I want to thank my friend for opening my eyes to that one thing, which keeps me enjoying my evenings even when alone. Having a place where I can contemplate, feel like a cavemen, be one with the world and master the fire, somehow makes me be ready for another day.
I had to work on it to get it looking good, blisters healed and dust settled and I am happy I have done it.

Remember that post about being afraid and being hurt? It is somewhere down there. I guess I was afraid of being hurt and that's why I did get hurt. On the other hand I know now that I can go on again and I know now that I have love inside me to give. Maybe I will be afraid to give it again in the future, because being hurt is not fun, but one cannot blame but himself.
Maybe walking with your heart on your palm is not so fashionable anymore and maybe it even scares people. Maybe it just does not belong to this world, but I dream about meeting a man I could walk towards with my heart open and he would take it. And he would understand that what I am doing comes from a pure feeling, not a loath, not a trick, not a power play. Maybe I met one like this before and that is it... maybe I let the chance go. But I still have lots of love to give and I am not that old :)

Midnight fire is fading slowly and ashes crackle just a little bit. It would be nice to have a guy to hug and hold here right now, wouldn't it?
:)

There are days when things all of sudden become alive and you see that life flows around you the way you have not seen in a while. All of sudden the weather changes, gets really cold, it snows... all of sudden the dog obeys the command from last night... or your friend spends her time with you via webcam and it feels really nice, like visiting her. All of sudden baking the sourdough rye bread does not seem such a challenge and you are willing to risk one more disaster with it. And also you realize that although you cannot change things, by accepting them you actually do change how you perceive them, and that's all there is to it. Some days are just like that.
I am keeping my dreams alive, because that's what makes my days colorful. And I guess it is OK they are just dreams for now.

I was going to paint the door frames today and while sanding them first, I decided to have something nice for dinner. Since I did not cook for Thanksgiving this year and also didn't cook for anybody else this whole weekend, I went for a potato salad as we do at home, and it came out just right. A practice run for Christmas, I guess. The roasted chicken somehow eluded me and I had to put pieces back to the oven after I carved it, since it stayed raw longer than I thought. So maybe it's good that I did not invite anybody else than Keith to the table. He bravely ate a piece of a wing...

I feel calmer now, compared to a few days ago, but am still looking forward getting an e-mail from T. And I am not looking forward going to work tomorrow knowing he won't be making my day nicer with his messages. Well, there is nothing I can do right now, is there?

Another log into the fireplace... and back to dreaming :-)

The picture is one my dad took. When I talked to him today, he was remembering being here in the summer. Is it already more than 5 months?

Delani, delani (work, work)

I was waiting for my friend to decide if he'd come for a visit or not. I am often a wreck when it comes to waiting, especially when it is an uncertain situation. So I finished deep-cleaning the house, scrubbed the kitchen floor, though it still looks worn and kind of dirty (managed not to spill anything on it so far) and headed out for the big T dinner yesterday. Today I decided to go ahead with painting of the baseboards, just a little bit at first, but after lunch I was done with the first coat everywhere where I painted the walls so far. So I decided for a home run. It is not perfect, but I listened to the radio and some music so far new to me and kept checking the e-mail and the work was going just fine. When I was done and took off the tape from the floors and put everything together, I started feeling low. I stank, was dirty and my back and knees were telling me to f..k off. So I took a bath with a music and than my other friends promised to come over later for a drink and a pie.... so at first I just wanted to survive by doing nothing, but at the end I made myself to even lit the fireplace and when I went out for some more wood, I realize that nothing is better for clearing the head than chopping some wood. Really, honestly. I am actually going for a round 2 right now :-)



When I was a little kid, there was a modern fairy tale on TV called "Princes are good for the dragon(s)" with many songs, one called "work, work" As much as I hate to say that, it works for me. Why am I not a lumberjack?

gates inside the lions

Is the heartbeat the central spot in the universe which we all quest after? The heartbeat, the breathing, the warmth of the skin, the smile in the eyes? Solely our own naked existence without the weights of profession, wealth, education, fashion sense or ambitions? Is that enough to make us feel complete? The rhythm of the other person's breathing and their heartbeat, which we get used to in less than five minutes... Is that what we are all looking after?
My heartbeat is loud but you cannot hear it without putting your head on my chest. It is that simple.

Who knows what happens to us 5 minutes from now, we can turn into pumpkins, get a very bad news breaking our hearts, be kidnapped, move away, be run over... or just cross the street and run into a stranger who can be behind a change of our lives in the future, we can't foresee yet. Sometimes we run into people who make a mark on our lives right away, and sometimes we run into people we feel we could change our lives for right away. Nobody can know whether it will happen.
Sometimes we depend too much on our experiences when trying to predict what may happen... It is our bad experiences what is protecting us, once we have got them, but have we thought about it when we were getting these? It is possible that as we grow older, we are becoming more and more afraid of being hurt with more experiences of having been hurt. Isn't it strange in a way? We are seeking happiness and love and companionship and at the same time we are closing up to strangers who might offer just that, but we have been hurt before... many times by ourselves, strangely.
One day we realize that and change and experience the moment of letting go, when whatever comes, comes, and if we let things flow freely, we may feel the freedom, being ourselves and not afraid.

glad to have you

Another freezing evening in this cold winter makes a perfect excuse for another fireplace session. The rat-baby Chompers just sniffed my head, licked it and with non-identifiable expression ran back to the kitchen. I am looking forward my last night with her, she has certain peacefulness radiating from herself when asleep. And it is so nice to wake up next to somebody/something else.
I am working on improving myself and today I am happy that I did make progress. Yes, spending most of the time trying to send a package of sample on dry ice to Japan was a task worth PhD and I was a tiny bit angry that there must be at least 3 other people involved ... but mostly I have learned to see into others perspective and probably succeeded. It is good to have friends who can hold the mirror to yourself sometimes and if you really listen, you find them trying to help. Thanks, Hani.
There is no morale in this little nonsense writing, but screaming it out to the vast space of the internet makes sense to me. Another face-lick and a few seconds of chewing my little finger... here she is ... and is gone again.

There are days when you experience every possible feeling. Hope, excitement, joy, love, sadness, despair, emptiness, you name it. Sometimes it happens around one event, one person, one moment, sometimes you do not actually have any real reason to feel all those negative things, they are just the result of your own thinking, of wrong thinking or over-thinking. It is peculiar that it keeps happening time after time for the same reasons to the same people, isn't it? Does it mean we do not learn how to process information we have obtained ourselves, in person, with our own eyes? Do we not believe what we see and hear? Or does it mean that even though we know expectations are the true reasons for sadness, we just cannot help ourselves ahead? Or, as I have heard on the radio today, we just get lost in the never-ending search for the ultimate ecstasy, for happiness, that we lose the grip with reality and don't realize we do have plenty of reasons to be happy, if we only kept our heads down a little bit?
I have met this great person yesterday, someone with a big heart, a truly great smile and eyes like mountain forest springs. Someone you want to hold and be held by them all at once. It made me happy. Sunsets also make me happy, in that case I have absolutely no clue why.

Thanks to my friend I have now a book full of bread recipes and ideas and fun. Although I am not particularly fond of jewish cooking, they seem to have the tradition of bread baking in their DNA. Hmmm, maybe I should propose that in a grant proposal... who is interested in structure of chromatin these days?
I have been pretty pleased with this bread, although it is yeast based, it has good flavor from using biga and smells like a truly good bread. And it is.
The bread is really good with just some butter and cheese. I think I will get another slice in a minute.

Does 37.75 years old dude have the right to feel like in his teens? The little doggie who occupies our house, my bed and my lap at times, is so playful that it is contagious. I feel young just from having her around, because I am getting crazy ideas about crawling with her on the floor, barking and growling at each other or just rolling barrels. No, she does not do it, but I am feeling back the urge to do so. Maybe there is another reason to feel so, it is definitely nice.
So I am not overly sad that my promotion did not go through, maybe for the better, I can stay less grown up for a little longer.

It is a bit ironical, that after you really feel over someone, they come back with a question which catches you off guard. And how they get to that question is even more interesting. Prescience or reading minds over distance? Does that mean we had in common something I missed? I guess just human tuning to each other without the other one realizing it. Life...

let there be ...

My brother took this picture in Canyonlands in June. It makes me feel warm and refreshed from the rain we just missed. The whole desert below us smelled from the little moisture it received and you could feel electricity in the air. The grasses and bushes were fragrant with life.
Although physically I am a wreck today and mentally not much better, looking at this photograph gives me the same energy I feel every time I open my e-mail nowadays and there is a new message. I drift back to my teenage years for a second, get butterflies in my stomach and am totally excited, nothing is more energizing. Maybe a summer storm.
Even though I am grumpy and tired and sleepy, I feel happiness. And a new hope that there will be new period of growth and electricity in the air and life will be fragrant.

how to blend in

The snow just started to melt a little today, it was messy and mushy at noon and sort of fun to bike in it. I like it better dry and icy, though. There were small icicles on the mailbox lid, quite funny looking.
New addition to our little family behaves quite well, puppiness is still in her eyes and she gets so excited when we come home or when she wakes up. I am so understanding Sasha right now. She kind of seems like the calmer and older one compared to Chompers, not necessarily the wiser one, but that depends. At least she didn't try to eat the dirt from the pot, like the small one did. Curled next to me, listening to some baroque music coming from the radio (who knows what she actually hears?) Chompers is just a bundle of hair with a few teeth... These dogs are really bred for looking cute, aren't they?
Hallway got a second coat of paint, marinade for svickova is chilling out and night is cold and quiet. Well, not so quiet, Oscar just barked outside and woke our dogs... Being a nervous idiot who barks everytime at anything, he'll never get to be appreciated.

Visitor

A friends dog needs a shelter for a few days. My house is absolutely perfect for her. Copper renamed to Bubu renamed to Chompers. She loves hanging out on the sofa, teasing Sasha and generally vegging out. I am offering a shared custody.

My mom is already planning Christmas and I have not even made a dough for pernicky.

not two snowflakes are alike (borrowed from someone else today)

I wanted to record a short video of the fire in the fireplace and post it instead of a picture, but somehow my webcam resisted any communication attempts with my great Vista-run computer. So had to take a photo.

It was supposed to snow just a little, with 1-2 inches of accumulation. We got at least 6 if not 8 inches and icy thingy underneath! Well, a reason to lit the fireplace and skip swimming.
NPR's selection of classical music is a bit atypical but very nice, and together with the hum of the fire and the light and the white outside, the place is quite cozy. It is chilly out, just came back from the backyard with new batch of wood. The pine truly burns too fast!
Kind of hoping to get at least one more e-mail from my new e-friend, who entertains and intrigues me since yesterday. It is nice to meet new people. Fascinating. And very interesting when it happens online. What makes one to open so fast to a complete stranger? Am I opening as well that it makes them feel safe with me? Is there a certain level of desperation not to stay alone? Or is it inside us, to share, tell our stories? Exhibit ourselves? Are we seeking approval from others? Are we trying to find someone interested in our particular story? Like a single flower waiting for the right bee? Or do we play the orchid game?

Now I feel like Carrie Bradshaw... bleh...

Too much cheap wine... and pretty good pumpkin pie ice cream, thanks Keith!

The snow is too dry for building a snowman, I could hardly press it into loose snowballs thrown at the dog when we played outside. Pity. Last log and good night Dr. Kinsey!

like a leaf in the wind when it's gone

It is funny how ones mood and energy depends on that one extra hour of sleep. Weeks of despair and apathy changed into a day full of hope and high expectations. Second time around the experiment did not work anymore, but one day - one result is fine by me.
It got me so content and fine with life, that after coming home I did clean the walls in my tiny hallway and patched the cracks a little. I have even washed the old-lady-boogers from the bathroom doors, something I really needed an extra deep breath for.

On Monday I learned the basics of the American football game and also something about myself. Not sure I can articulate it, or even want to. I also got reminded how much we differ so much from each other... and it is fascinating, when you think about it. To be unique simply means to be yourself.
I hope to learn something new about myself and others every day.

The witch which hang from the crystal ball of the chandelier was demoted to a window witch. And the chandelier will soon get better bulbs, the CFLs don't work there.
I am discovering my own taste and it feels great.

I entered a world of someone else today. Even though I didn't leave the boundaries of my town. It was a nice day, we talked, ate lunch, went for a walk, had some tea back at home. Although I did have some reservations earlier, I was very glad to meet him, get to know him a little... and perhaps it was not the last time we see each other.

I slept like a log for once, Merlot and good movie did their magic. A sunny fall day with leaves and wind and a warm sunshine was already waiting outside and so was a pot of coffee and babovka and a hair clipper... I am likely the last one in the neighborhood to clean the gutters and rake the lawn, but I don't care. Nobody knows all the things the first time around. It was fun to unscrew the gutters and find inside a composted material smelling really nice, organic... who knows where it came from, didn't seem like leaves only. Bird poop?

Raking is quite fun too, especially the first hour or two, although I am sure I'll be pretty sore tomorrow. After three hours I was glad the sun was setting and I had a reason to stop. I was tired. I have filled too many bags anyway, even though some leaves are still up on the trees. I have also discovered that there is a narrow space between the shed and the neighbors fence, where I have never actually looked before. I did truly exhaust myself, enough to feel weak and almost fainting at that point. Shower didn't help much, neither did tea with honey, but babovka did the magic.

November Indian Summer

Considering how cold it was last week it seem almost inappropriate to have a day like this. Plus, today is Friday, it took me a serious effort to make it to work. Things don't really work there and every next experiment just seems to be delaying the inevitable: to admit that this experimental design has a serious flaw we never thought of. No wonder why I feel down and don't wanna be there.
I plan to spend some time outside tomorrow, no matter what. Perhaps cleaning gutters, or going for a hike. A bike ride around the river would be nice too, haven't been there for a while. I hope it will recharge me for a while, last few weekends were all indoors, busy painting or under the snow and just seems too early to give up on the sun.