Almost there

It is warming up again, the next few days will be quite messy and I am not looking forward to it. But, I am looking forward finally washing that ultra-warm sweater from Hana. I don't feel ready for Christmas yet, but one last trip to Cheyenne will hopefully cure me from that.

Last night I baked coconut bars and managed to ice them as well, not mentioning mixing a half gallon of Bloody Mary for the Christmas party I ended up going. All thanks to my dear friend being notoriously late... which this time did not bother me for obvious reasons. I was creative and productive. So was Keith, his candied orange peels are delicious.
This morning I have just finished the bars with chocolate and prepared icing for gingerbreads. Not being very skillful, my Christmas butts are not the most impressive ones, but... they are here.



I am looking forward going home and at the same time feel like missing something, not exactly sure what. I guess I'd like to have Christmas here in my own home. It would have been even nicer if it was with a special guy, it is my fantasy and I believe it will happen. I would also like all my family to come over once... maybe we'll win lottery one day :)
Oh, Wait, wait, don't tell me is on...

OC

"The" season is really here, isn't it? It's past St. Nicholas, no devil took any of my nephews away, back at in the semi-pagan Czech lands... I did manage to buy some Christmas gifts, although I was even prepared to go home empty handed... and while spending money I've discovered the candy of my youth in Target! Yey! I finished the whole bag in one afternoon somewhere between Bed Bath and Beyond and Michael's and was absolutely not ready to face the crowds in the mall. Partly from feeling uneasy after eating so much sugar. It was dreadful and i managed to sneak through only three more stores, not buying anything at all. Later that weekend I decided to try to make gingerbread cookies, the second time in my life. They smell nice and can be really good. They are one type of cookies my mom never made and so I am kind of pioneering the road. SO far no accidents and will ice them later in the week. Keith's tree is already decorated, sitting in the living room, mine is semi-decorated too
Half of my mind is already at home and I am thinking about being with my folks and my sis... It will be the first time we'd have the Christmas dinner in other place than my parents' and I am looking forward to it. It does not mean we won't have to make the potato salad and bring it with us, which will be fun.
I remember having Christmas with Luis, once in Bethesda, one year in Laramie, once he came with me home, to Unicov (it was really brave of him). It was really nice to see someone from the other hemisphere observing how central-European keep these small traditions of cookies and the tree and carp for dinner... and I did enjoy tremendously preparing the Christmas eve for him, when I did.
I guess I do enjoy these things and in a way it is my expression of care and affection, I guess like my mom's. So when I go home, I have to let her pamper me, as long as she can. This year again I'll be a guest at home again :)

pushing my luck

I have made a sourdough rye bread this past week, it ended delicious and just a bit too white, since I followed the book recipe to the point (except the wait times). So yesterday I started a new starter and grew it up and will repeat, but of course, with minor modifications like some whole wheat flour etc. The first stage is documented already... I am going to knead it and shape it and to complete my luck cycle, leave ti alone the whole rest of the day! Christmas shopping is awaiting! And, I may try to see the little rascal rat-baby Chompers.
If I am in the mood, I may try to make some gingerbread later after I come back as well... what do you say?

one to Mitch

Last year, about this time I was seeing a guy who had many qualities I liked, some I didn't, and who showed me a different view on the everyday world. He had a house slightly larger than mine and I have instantly loved that place. It was decorated really nicely and there was a fireplace. I did not know at that time how long I'll stay here, if at all. My work was not fulfilling me too much, but there was something that kept me here. A few months later I knew I had to settle. There was no relationship and there was no more joy at work, but got a house with a fireplace. I knew how long the winters here seem and how they can get under your skin. I want to thank my friend for opening my eyes to that one thing, which keeps me enjoying my evenings even when alone. Having a place where I can contemplate, feel like a cavemen, be one with the world and master the fire, somehow makes me be ready for another day.
I had to work on it to get it looking good, blisters healed and dust settled and I am happy I have done it.

Remember that post about being afraid and being hurt? It is somewhere down there. I guess I was afraid of being hurt and that's why I did get hurt. On the other hand I know now that I can go on again and I know now that I have love inside me to give. Maybe I will be afraid to give it again in the future, because being hurt is not fun, but one cannot blame but himself.
Maybe walking with your heart on your palm is not so fashionable anymore and maybe it even scares people. Maybe it just does not belong to this world, but I dream about meeting a man I could walk towards with my heart open and he would take it. And he would understand that what I am doing comes from a pure feeling, not a loath, not a trick, not a power play. Maybe I met one like this before and that is it... maybe I let the chance go. But I still have lots of love to give and I am not that old :)

Midnight fire is fading slowly and ashes crackle just a little bit. It would be nice to have a guy to hug and hold here right now, wouldn't it?
:)

There are days when things all of sudden become alive and you see that life flows around you the way you have not seen in a while. All of sudden the weather changes, gets really cold, it snows... all of sudden the dog obeys the command from last night... or your friend spends her time with you via webcam and it feels really nice, like visiting her. All of sudden baking the sourdough rye bread does not seem such a challenge and you are willing to risk one more disaster with it. And also you realize that although you cannot change things, by accepting them you actually do change how you perceive them, and that's all there is to it. Some days are just like that.
I am keeping my dreams alive, because that's what makes my days colorful. And I guess it is OK they are just dreams for now.