insomniac

Chompy must hate me, she had to find the darkest spot in the bed, in this case the geometric center of the bed, since I am up at 4:30 a.m. A few months ago Hana suggested I could start a blog and I used it as my diary, in a way, in those first days, when I was thinking I was "kind-of-dating" this one dude... How important is the first in-person contact, one wonders... in that case it apparently did not work.
But I cannot sleep tonight again and I cannot blame overexercise as I could have on Friday. I cannot blame accidental overeating either. I can blame myself, yet I can't do much about it.
Sometimes you almost give up, as I almost did for at least a while, on active trying to reach out and search for someone. Two days before my "planned break" someone wrote to me a brief "Hello, how are you" e-mail and I got all of sudden very good feeling out of it. As if I believed he knew what he was doing, that he could see through the self-description posted by myself, and uncover at least a layer from the fact, that I am a human being with a soul and a heart. I have met this guy afterwards, two days ago, and what could have been an one-hour drag date from which we both would try to find a way out, turned out to be a whole afternoon of talking and fun of being outside in the park and around a lake. Many, many first date rules were broken, but we both laughed and enjoyed each other, laughed at the rules and were finding commonalities and differences between the two of us. It's far fetched to say we know each other, but my seventeen year old-frozen soul woke up and I found myself kissing him under a tree half way down the trail, the first place nobody could see us from above. I found myself letting go of the fears most of us have inside (supposedly as a protection against getting hurt). I found myself slapping his ass on a street when he asked for it, literally. And I found myself holding his hand in the car, warming up my hand and warming up to the reality of holding hands with a "person of bones and blood", person with desires, wishes, needs and heart to give. I still kept some of my guards up, although I was not constricted in any way and had a great time. My occasional glass-half-empty view vanished as he called the day after and not just to politely say that he won't come again. So, it is understandable that I am looking forward the coming weekend and my brain is imagining all the possible things that could happen, which did not happen for some time, and much more. It's almost 5 o'clock. He's getting up 140 miles from here. I don't know how exactly I'll go through the day after only 4 hours of sleep, but I guess I'll have to manage. It is not the physical closeness I am looking forward the most with this guy, although it is a big part of my excitement. It is the human closeness I feel he wants to get and to give. I have to tell you, if I am wrong, I will hit my bum really, really hard this time, because my feet are not on the ground anymore.

Yes, Chompy, I am going back to sleep, or so I hope.