Almost there

It is warming up again, the next few days will be quite messy and I am not looking forward to it. But, I am looking forward finally washing that ultra-warm sweater from Hana. I don't feel ready for Christmas yet, but one last trip to Cheyenne will hopefully cure me from that.

Last night I baked coconut bars and managed to ice them as well, not mentioning mixing a half gallon of Bloody Mary for the Christmas party I ended up going. All thanks to my dear friend being notoriously late... which this time did not bother me for obvious reasons. I was creative and productive. So was Keith, his candied orange peels are delicious.
This morning I have just finished the bars with chocolate and prepared icing for gingerbreads. Not being very skillful, my Christmas butts are not the most impressive ones, but... they are here.



I am looking forward going home and at the same time feel like missing something, not exactly sure what. I guess I'd like to have Christmas here in my own home. It would have been even nicer if it was with a special guy, it is my fantasy and I believe it will happen. I would also like all my family to come over once... maybe we'll win lottery one day :)
Oh, Wait, wait, don't tell me is on...

OC

"The" season is really here, isn't it? It's past St. Nicholas, no devil took any of my nephews away, back at in the semi-pagan Czech lands... I did manage to buy some Christmas gifts, although I was even prepared to go home empty handed... and while spending money I've discovered the candy of my youth in Target! Yey! I finished the whole bag in one afternoon somewhere between Bed Bath and Beyond and Michael's and was absolutely not ready to face the crowds in the mall. Partly from feeling uneasy after eating so much sugar. It was dreadful and i managed to sneak through only three more stores, not buying anything at all. Later that weekend I decided to try to make gingerbread cookies, the second time in my life. They smell nice and can be really good. They are one type of cookies my mom never made and so I am kind of pioneering the road. SO far no accidents and will ice them later in the week. Keith's tree is already decorated, sitting in the living room, mine is semi-decorated too
Half of my mind is already at home and I am thinking about being with my folks and my sis... It will be the first time we'd have the Christmas dinner in other place than my parents' and I am looking forward to it. It does not mean we won't have to make the potato salad and bring it with us, which will be fun.
I remember having Christmas with Luis, once in Bethesda, one year in Laramie, once he came with me home, to Unicov (it was really brave of him). It was really nice to see someone from the other hemisphere observing how central-European keep these small traditions of cookies and the tree and carp for dinner... and I did enjoy tremendously preparing the Christmas eve for him, when I did.
I guess I do enjoy these things and in a way it is my expression of care and affection, I guess like my mom's. So when I go home, I have to let her pamper me, as long as she can. This year again I'll be a guest at home again :)

pushing my luck

I have made a sourdough rye bread this past week, it ended delicious and just a bit too white, since I followed the book recipe to the point (except the wait times). So yesterday I started a new starter and grew it up and will repeat, but of course, with minor modifications like some whole wheat flour etc. The first stage is documented already... I am going to knead it and shape it and to complete my luck cycle, leave ti alone the whole rest of the day! Christmas shopping is awaiting! And, I may try to see the little rascal rat-baby Chompers.
If I am in the mood, I may try to make some gingerbread later after I come back as well... what do you say?

one to Mitch

Last year, about this time I was seeing a guy who had many qualities I liked, some I didn't, and who showed me a different view on the everyday world. He had a house slightly larger than mine and I have instantly loved that place. It was decorated really nicely and there was a fireplace. I did not know at that time how long I'll stay here, if at all. My work was not fulfilling me too much, but there was something that kept me here. A few months later I knew I had to settle. There was no relationship and there was no more joy at work, but got a house with a fireplace. I knew how long the winters here seem and how they can get under your skin. I want to thank my friend for opening my eyes to that one thing, which keeps me enjoying my evenings even when alone. Having a place where I can contemplate, feel like a cavemen, be one with the world and master the fire, somehow makes me be ready for another day.
I had to work on it to get it looking good, blisters healed and dust settled and I am happy I have done it.

Remember that post about being afraid and being hurt? It is somewhere down there. I guess I was afraid of being hurt and that's why I did get hurt. On the other hand I know now that I can go on again and I know now that I have love inside me to give. Maybe I will be afraid to give it again in the future, because being hurt is not fun, but one cannot blame but himself.
Maybe walking with your heart on your palm is not so fashionable anymore and maybe it even scares people. Maybe it just does not belong to this world, but I dream about meeting a man I could walk towards with my heart open and he would take it. And he would understand that what I am doing comes from a pure feeling, not a loath, not a trick, not a power play. Maybe I met one like this before and that is it... maybe I let the chance go. But I still have lots of love to give and I am not that old :)

Midnight fire is fading slowly and ashes crackle just a little bit. It would be nice to have a guy to hug and hold here right now, wouldn't it?
:)

There are days when things all of sudden become alive and you see that life flows around you the way you have not seen in a while. All of sudden the weather changes, gets really cold, it snows... all of sudden the dog obeys the command from last night... or your friend spends her time with you via webcam and it feels really nice, like visiting her. All of sudden baking the sourdough rye bread does not seem such a challenge and you are willing to risk one more disaster with it. And also you realize that although you cannot change things, by accepting them you actually do change how you perceive them, and that's all there is to it. Some days are just like that.
I am keeping my dreams alive, because that's what makes my days colorful. And I guess it is OK they are just dreams for now.

I was going to paint the door frames today and while sanding them first, I decided to have something nice for dinner. Since I did not cook for Thanksgiving this year and also didn't cook for anybody else this whole weekend, I went for a potato salad as we do at home, and it came out just right. A practice run for Christmas, I guess. The roasted chicken somehow eluded me and I had to put pieces back to the oven after I carved it, since it stayed raw longer than I thought. So maybe it's good that I did not invite anybody else than Keith to the table. He bravely ate a piece of a wing...

I feel calmer now, compared to a few days ago, but am still looking forward getting an e-mail from T. And I am not looking forward going to work tomorrow knowing he won't be making my day nicer with his messages. Well, there is nothing I can do right now, is there?

Another log into the fireplace... and back to dreaming :-)

The picture is one my dad took. When I talked to him today, he was remembering being here in the summer. Is it already more than 5 months?

Delani, delani (work, work)

I was waiting for my friend to decide if he'd come for a visit or not. I am often a wreck when it comes to waiting, especially when it is an uncertain situation. So I finished deep-cleaning the house, scrubbed the kitchen floor, though it still looks worn and kind of dirty (managed not to spill anything on it so far) and headed out for the big T dinner yesterday. Today I decided to go ahead with painting of the baseboards, just a little bit at first, but after lunch I was done with the first coat everywhere where I painted the walls so far. So I decided for a home run. It is not perfect, but I listened to the radio and some music so far new to me and kept checking the e-mail and the work was going just fine. When I was done and took off the tape from the floors and put everything together, I started feeling low. I stank, was dirty and my back and knees were telling me to f..k off. So I took a bath with a music and than my other friends promised to come over later for a drink and a pie.... so at first I just wanted to survive by doing nothing, but at the end I made myself to even lit the fireplace and when I went out for some more wood, I realize that nothing is better for clearing the head than chopping some wood. Really, honestly. I am actually going for a round 2 right now :-)



When I was a little kid, there was a modern fairy tale on TV called "Princes are good for the dragon(s)" with many songs, one called "work, work" As much as I hate to say that, it works for me. Why am I not a lumberjack?

gates inside the lions

Is the heartbeat the central spot in the universe which we all quest after? The heartbeat, the breathing, the warmth of the skin, the smile in the eyes? Solely our own naked existence without the weights of profession, wealth, education, fashion sense or ambitions? Is that enough to make us feel complete? The rhythm of the other person's breathing and their heartbeat, which we get used to in less than five minutes... Is that what we are all looking after?
My heartbeat is loud but you cannot hear it without putting your head on my chest. It is that simple.

Who knows what happens to us 5 minutes from now, we can turn into pumpkins, get a very bad news breaking our hearts, be kidnapped, move away, be run over... or just cross the street and run into a stranger who can be behind a change of our lives in the future, we can't foresee yet. Sometimes we run into people who make a mark on our lives right away, and sometimes we run into people we feel we could change our lives for right away. Nobody can know whether it will happen.
Sometimes we depend too much on our experiences when trying to predict what may happen... It is our bad experiences what is protecting us, once we have got them, but have we thought about it when we were getting these? It is possible that as we grow older, we are becoming more and more afraid of being hurt with more experiences of having been hurt. Isn't it strange in a way? We are seeking happiness and love and companionship and at the same time we are closing up to strangers who might offer just that, but we have been hurt before... many times by ourselves, strangely.
One day we realize that and change and experience the moment of letting go, when whatever comes, comes, and if we let things flow freely, we may feel the freedom, being ourselves and not afraid.